The Friend Zone Has Been Breached by @MilfGod

        I know a lot of y'all are excited. "Oh shit... he found a way through!". But before we jump to that conclusion, just know I've never done this... it SHOULD work in theory though. After being banished to the impenetrable friend zone once in high school, I've made it my business to find a way through that shit. The only current method is to tell that bitch to fuck off. But 2012 is the year that we realized that we only live once so we don't have time for that. You want pussy, and you want it now. 

       I know y'all have porn to watch so I'll get right to it: Rape.... hear me out first. 

       You've been this girl's source of info inside the simple world of men. Her shoulder to cry on every time boyfriend A, B & C shitted on her. If she's hungry, you'll fork up a few coins & buttons to feed her. I know for a fact that a few of you have bought her diapers & glow sticks during her period week (I seen it). If she has a kid, you've babysat that bastard while she went on a date with a nigga that ain't even the kid's father. You're essentially her boyfriend without her having to commit to you or give you pussy. (The niggas she's currently dating are highly appreciative, by the way.)

        How do you think an employee feels after they've slaved for weeks putting  in overtime? Doing shit that isn't even in their job description, only to find out that they won't be paid accordingly? That office is getting shot the fuck up, right? Same applies here. You have to take a stand. You feel something is yours? Take it. She's your friend. She'll understand. 

        The negative possibilities are too obvious to mention, so let's focus on some unexplored outcomes on the positive side:

       1) She might like it: How many times has she told you she liked rough sex and a nigga that's in control? Numerous times. She's told you how to get her box countless times & didn't even realize it. Hair pulled, ass smacked, thumb in her butt... that can all be done within 6 seconds. If u make it seem more like a crime of passion rather than violence, she may start to get into it & see you in a new light.

       2) The law won't be an issue: Chances are if you're in this situation, she knows you're a pussy so she won't call the cops on you. She doesn't want to see her best friend incarcerated. ESPECIALLY on her behalf. She can't deal with that guilt. Because at the end of the day, it's technically her fault that you had to take these measures. And beside all that: REAL FRIENDS DON'T CALL THE COPS ON FRIENDS! You're protected by the laws of nature & social constructs.

      3) Trump Card: This dumb bitch has told you all of her secrets like you could really be trusted with the shit. She tells you shit that she should be telling her boyfriend, but she won't bother the star player with this rambling. That's your job ya bench warmer. But if she was to put your poor soul into a tight spot by telling the police about your courageous act, you'd have revenge. Because you don't deserve the way she's reacting to the situation. She wants to play dirty, you can play dirty too. Send a kite to ya boys on the outside, have them make a fake FB or Twitter page. Destroy her life to the furthest extent that the cyber world allows. Don't let her have a crazy good job, because that means you might have to e-mail all the corporate execs the links to this shit. Pics of her bussin it wide open on Memorial Day for Young Jeezy, videos of her slobbin down her cousin (even HE was gettin the pussy while you wasn't getting a damn thing), the whole nine. The works. Pour it on!

  

         I don't condone crimes unless you're getting money from them. But there is some grey area with how we interpret sexual abuse. If it's been happening all these years, it must be a natural occurrence. And if she's truly your friend, she'll understand why you took it that far. And if I've learned anything from buying Nike's all these years, it's that you 'just do it' and worry about consequences after you get that nut like all real men do.